Eyeshadow, McDonald's, and the Dancing Queen
by Colder than Blue
Summary: Oh, lord. Sonic's been bored and ripped-off somebody's makeup; some poor soul is about to get an unfortunate- albeit hilarious- makeover. ..And why on earth were Eggman's robots out shopping for women's swimwear? Rated T for some swearing. Nothin' too bad, though.


The yellow, two-tailed fox known as "Tails" (such a clever nickname) yawned and rubbed his eyes, groggily making his way into his kitchen. He'd gotten, what, two, maybe three hours of sleep? He had been awake all night, into the early morning, trying his best to find out just what the egg-shaped idiot Tails and his friends all knew, and hated, was up to. They hadn't heard anything from the evil "genius" for quite some time, and, knowing that moron, no news is definitely not good news. Usually, by now, "Eggman" (again, a very, very clever nickname) would have revealed his next "brilliant" scheme to conquer the world. The fact that he's been silent all this time could only mean that he'd actually managed to gain an ounce of intelligence. Or that someone had finally killed him. Oh, wishful thinking.

Tails snatched a glass bowl from one of the wooden cupboards and filled it with whatever crappy, granola-and-bran-flakes cereal he could find. He sighed. He really needed to go grocery shopping again. He poured the milk onto his breakfast, only to find that said milk was expired. Really, really expired. Just swell. Now there was sour, curdled, disgusting milk all over his now ruined breakfast. He let out another irritated sigh and dumped the vile contents of the bowl into the small trash bin in the corner of the room, before placing the bowl into the sink, along with a few other items of tableware. He'd clean them out later. The fox wasn't in a particularly pleasant mood, and washing dishes was definitely not on the list of things he wanted to do at the moment. He picked the carton up, about to toss it in the bin as well, when he noticed the word "bad" in black marker, written in the most unsightly handwriting that could only belong to the Fastest Thing Alive, on the carton's side. Tails rolled his eyes. Sonic would run halfway across the globe to get a chilidog, but he just couldn't bring himself to walk across the room in order to discard a quart of expired milk.

Speaking of the blue hedgehog, Tails had spotted him sneaking around with a makeup kit the evening before. He could only imagine what his speedster friend had been up to, but he had a feeling he was going to run into a very angry Knuckles, with eyeshadow and lipstick smeared all over his face. The fox decided he needed to uncover what Eggman was plotting, and fast, because without a hopelessly persistent, obese scientist to go after, Sonic became bored. And a bored Sonic was never, ever a good thing. For anyone.

Thankfully, Tails had managed to discover the whereabouts of the egg-shaped man's lair the previous night, which, to his surprise and somewhat amusement, was nearly directly adjacent to the G.U.N. base on the outskirts of Central City. Why the scientist had decided to locate his headquarters so close to a military base, and why on earth said military hadn't noticed the idiot was beyond him.

His hopes of having cereal being crushed, Tails reached into the fridge, and, making sure to check the expiration date on the container first, poured himself a glass of orange juice. He stuffed the carton containing the orange-colored liquid back in the refrigerator and was about to take a sip of his drink when a barrage of angry knocks sounded from the front door. _Of course._ More than likely, the one at the door was the previously mentioned, red echidna with poorly-done cosmetics covering his face, wondering where Sonic was, so he could pummel his face in.

Tails paced across his kitchen and living room, in his socks, to the front door. Considering who was probably waiting outside, he knew he'd better answer the door right away, lest said door be punched in. Taking a sip of the juice he was holding in one hand, he turned the knob and opened the door with his other. The fox nearly choked on his drink at the sight before him. Standing there, in the doorway, was the Ultimate Lifeform, with a coating of bright pink, glittery eyeshadow smeared on the black and crimson fur around his eyes, and on his tan muzzle were smears of vivid, purple lipstick. The makeup was so poorly-done, it looked as if it had been applied by a blind person. While they were having a seizure. Tails just barely managed to restrain himself from bursting into a fit of laughter. Knuckles looking like a drag-queen was one thing, but Shadow? That was an entirely different story.

"Where is that blue imbecile?" The black and red-striped hedgehog was none too pleased, to say the least. Choosing Shadow to pick on was not Sonic's most intelligent choice, that was for sure. After all, Knuckles, he could easily outrun. The Ultimate Lifeform? Not so much.

Tails scratched his head thoughtfully and looked to the floor. He knew if he looked straight at Shadow, he was going to crack up, and well, he kind of liked his head attached to his body. "I don't know." He honestly didn't. He would've assumed Sonic would be at his own home, but he was sure Shadow had ransacked the place before coming over to his house.

The hedgehog's eyes narrowed in disbelief. "Is that so?"

Tails knew he had to make eye-contact, or Shadow wasn't going to believe him. He hesitated, but looked the other straight in the eye, and briefly wondered if it was possible for one to blow his own head off with contained laughter. "Yeah. I don't where he is." He noticed Shadow was in his socks. Maybe Sonic wasn't so dumb, after all; Shadow couldn't run as fast without his hover-shoes to skate with. Unless, of course, Sonic _hadn't_ stole them, though Tails highly doubted the dark hedgehog would wander anywhere outside of his house without his shoes if he still had them.

Shadow's expression returned to normal, which, for him, was an angry scowl. "Hmph. Tell me if you find the idiot, or my shoes." With that, the hedgehog turned around and headed down the walkway leading out of Tails's yard.

Watching Shadow leave, an idea came to the fox. "Wait."

The hedgehog turned his head to eye Tails.

"Maybe Eggman took your shoes." It was definitely a possibility. Besides, Tails doubted Sonic would've thought to take Shadow shoes, in order to prevent him from chasing down and killing him. He also wanted to check out the scientist's base. Going alone wasn't the greatest idea, though, and since Sonic wasn't around, maybe he could go with Shadow.

Shadow raised a brow. "Why would the doctor want my shoes?"

Crap. He had wanted Shadow to just along with it. Although, honestly, he hadn't expected him to; it _was_ Shadow he was talking to, after all. "Why would Sonic want your shoes?"

The hedgehog scowled, well, more than he usually did. "Because the irritating, brainless prick exists for no other reason than to aggravate me." He wasn't a very big Sonic fan, was he?

Tails thought for a brief moment. "Perhaps he took your shoes to—"

Shadow's pink-lined eyes widened in realization. "…to improve his androids!" He barred his teeth, and the angry scowl returned to his features.

_Um.. okay?_ That wasn't what Tails was going for, but hey, if it got Shadow to stop plotting Sonic's death for a bit, and go after Eggman, Tails was fine with it.

The hedgehog quickly made his way down the walkway. His anger could be seen in the way his socked feet stomped down on the concrete slabs.

Tails could tell the other was about to take off. "Wait!"

Shadow stopped, but didn't turn to look at Tails. "What?" His deep voice was laden with irritation.

"Do you know where his base is?" Tails knew he more than likely didn't.

Shadow was silent for a moment. "No."

The fox smiled. "I could show you where it is. Besides, I wanted to investigate Eggman's base, anyway."

Shadow huffed. "Fine," he threw his hand up, "but stay out of my way."

Tails's smile grew larger. "Can do." Tails hurriedly strolled back into the kitchen and stuffed the glass of orange juice he'd almost forgotten he was holding into the fridge. He dashed up the stairs, into his bedroom, and pulled on his pair of red and white shoes that he'd left by his bed. He ran back downstairs and outside, next to Shadow. "Okay. Let's go."

Shadow simply nodded.

* * *

The duo stood at the entrance to the idiotic scientist's headquarters, which was, unsurprisingly, shaped like an egg.

Tails read the note that was left on the base's massive metal door, written in some of the most lady-like handwriting he'd ever seen. "Gone to McDonald's. Be back in an hour." He blinked and raised a brow. "Who takes an _hour_ to get McDonald's?"

"Him." Shadow rolled his red eyes. "I remember when I worked with the doctor. He'd come back with about thirty bags of food."

Tails looked at the other in disbelief, his eyebrow still raised, and his mouth slightly ajar. Was Shadow actually _not_ being serious, for once?

"I'm not kidding."

"Wow." Now that Tails thought about it, it wasn't that hard to believe. The man _did_ weigh over a metric ton, after all. He gazed at the door leading to the inside of the base. "How're we going to get in?" He felt a gust of wind whip past him and caught a glimpse of a ball of black fur charge ahead and into the locked door in front of him. Said door flew forward, off its hinges from the impact and landed on the base's dark grey flooring with a loud, metallic _bang_.

Shadow uncurled himself and entered the building. He scanned the somewhat dark, grey corridors, expecting a whole menagerie of the doctor's robots to come charging at him from all directions. Nothing came, save for the _tap-taps_of Tails's shoes against the metallic floor behind him. Still keeping his guard up, the hedgehog trekked quickly down the corridor branching off forward, deeper into the base, Tails following suit.

* * *

The two, after a while of searching, stumbled upon the poorly lit, and of course, metallic room containing the master computer. Tails, having found exactly what he was looking for, was quite pleased. Shadow, on the other hand, had yet to find his shoes, and was beginning to do what he did best, become aggravated.

The fox started at the computer. Naturally, it was password-protected. He thought for a moment, and recalled the code word that had been used to unlock the obese scientist's personal Chao Garden aboard the Egg Carrier. Surely, though, Eggman couldn't be _so_ dumb as to reuse the same, painfully obvious password on his master computer, could he? Oh well. It was worth a shot. Tails just hoped he didn't set off any sort of security system be entering an incorrect password. He typed in the six characters and hit the "Enter" key, expecting to get nowhere.

Access granted.

Okay. Apparently, Eggman _was_ that dumb. Tails found it amusing how the scientist acted like he detested the name the fox and his companions referred to him with, but yet, he called himself Doctor _Eggman_ and gave nearly all of his "marvelous" creations a name having the term "egg" somewhere in it. He even used "Eggman" as a password!

Tails scanned through the various files stashed away on the scientist's computer. There were blueprints for robots and several other mechanical devices, recipes, and.. a Jazzercise video? _..All righty, then. _Eventually, he came across a file of particular interest, titled "World_Destruction", and double-clicked on the file, which, interestingly enough, was in a video format. A small smile etched itself on his young face. Finally, he'd uncover Eggman's plans and be able to reveal them to Sonic, giving the hedgehog something to do, and eliminating the fox's looming fear of waking up one morning looking like an insane drag-queen. He heard the door behind him open and turned in time to see Shadow leaving. "Where are you going?"

The hedgehog turned his head, the lipstick and eyeshadow covering his face shimmering in the light emanating from the over-sized computer screen.

Tails wondered if Shadow even realized he had makeup on. He hadn't seen him try to wipe any of it off. The fox also wondered where all of Eggman's robots had gone. The two had yet to run into any, except for a few partially destroyed, non-functioning ones.

"My shoes aren't in here; I'm going to.." Music began to play from the computer's speakers. Shadow's eyes widened to an almost impossibly large size. His mouth hung open, and an expression of disgust and utter horror etched itself on his features.

Tails turned once again to follow Shadow's gaze, and the look on his face changed to mirror that of the hedgehog behind him. Before him, was the most horrific, disturbing, and gruesome image the young fox had ever lain eyes on. On the screen in front of him, was a recording of the very egg-shaped menace that had been causing everyone grief for as long as Tails could remember, dancing and shaking his hips to the beat of "Dancing Queen". In a bikini.

At this point, there were only three words going through the animals' minds, one of them beginning with an _F_. A few painfully long seconds passed, and neither the fox, nor the hedgehog, could form the words to speak.

It was Shadow that finally spoke up. "Turn it off!"

That was the first time Tails had ever heard panic in the dark hedgehog's voice. The fox-boy snapped out of his shocked state, and began working hastily to somehow shut off the indescribably horrifying image being displayed in front of him. He pulled at the fur on the top of his head in frustration. "It won't shut off!" He felt himself be shoved by a gloved hand, away from the computer.

Shadow now stood in front of the machine, orange Chaos energy charged in his right hand, and, without thinking to simply destroy the monitor, he launched a Chaos Spear at the keyboard, destroying it and sending its keys flying every which way. The screen turned to black, and the two sighed in relief..

Until the monitor turned back on, now fixed on a close-up of Eggman's midsection, with the words "Self-destruction in two minutes" flashing in bright red across the screen.

Tails screamed, and Shadow swore every curse that could come to his mind. The duo rushed out of the building as fast as their legs could take them, which, considering Shadow lacked his hover-shoes, and Tails was.. well, Tails, wasn't as fast as they would have liked.

The two made it out of and far away enough from the base just in time to see it explode behind them. Considering the base's proximity to the city, the explosion had not gone unnoticed by a nearby crowd. Among the horde, was Amy Rose, Sonic's incredibly persistent admirer (stalker). Much to Shadow's dismay, the pink hedgehog girl had taken notice of him and Tails.

"Hey, guys." She waved in her sickeningly cheerful way, and approached the duo in a pace that could only be described as a half-skip.

Shadow glared at her. He wasn't very fond of Amy, to say the least. She was almost as annoying as the irritating idiot she was constantly fawning over. _Almost_. He continued to stare her down, and—What was she wearing on her feet? They looked almost identical to his hover-shoes, save for the fact of where his shoes were painted black around the heels, hers were a bright pink.

She noticed Shadow eyeing her footwear and smiled rather sheepishly. "Oh, I borrowed your shoes last night while you were sleeping. I hope you don't mind."

Shadow's eyes widened, before his expression turned to a particularly angry frown. "You did _what_?"

She scratched her head behind her ear, the sheepish grin growing larger on her features. "They're the latest fashion statement. But I didn't have enough money to get my own pair, so I borrowed yours." She giggled. "The black on them didn't match any of my outfits, though, so I had to paint over it." She gestured to the shoes' now pink heels.

Tails looked to Shadow, who was glaring at Amy with a look that had "I want you to die" written all over it. He noticed the girl stare at Shadow's face with an expression of confusion and slight amusement. _Oh no. Please don't say anything. Please, please, please—_

She giggled again. "I can help you with your makeup, if you want."

Face, meet palm. This was definitely not one of Amy's more intelligent moments. Tails sighed. This was _not_ going to end well.

Shadow blinked, his brows knit together in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

The girl chuckled. "You've got makeup smeared all over your face, silly!"

"_**What?**_"

* * *

Almost clear across town, a blue hedgehog stood by the city's largest park, finishing off his ninth chilidog of the day. He licked his fawn-colored lips and glanced around his surroundings.

In the park, to his left, came the delighted screams and laughter of children playing in the lush, green grass by the picnic tables, where adults, probably most which being their parents (or pedophiles), sat eating and chatting.

To his right, countless vehicles sped past, in dozens upon dozens of different models and colors. The occasional _beep_ could be heard, and near hordes of people traversed the sidewalks.

The birds were chirping. The sun was shining..

Oh dear god, was this _boring_.

Everyone was so thrilled at the absence of Eggbutt and his horribly stupid schemes. Everybody was overjoyed to finally have a bit of peace and not have to worry about a pissed off, mutated Chao washing them and the city away, or a huge space colony smashing into and blowing up the earth. Except for Sonic. Not that the blue hedgehog wanted people to be dying and carnage to be covering the streets. No, no. His name wasn't Shadow, after all. It's just that there wasn't anything exciting going on, no adventures to be had, no stupid idiot's ass to kick.

He placed his hands on his hips, tapping his foot rapidly, and took another look around. There had to be _something_ for him to do. That's when he heard frightened screams, coupled with an innumerable amount of long, loud, obnoxious _beeps_. He spun around to see the street that had been behind him quickly becoming more, and more congested with traffic around the crosswalk. People ran from the scene, though some simply stood and watched in bewilderment while a horde of robots crossed the street, each carrying several white bags with a great, yellow _M_ and the phrase "I'm lovin' it" printed on the side. In the middle of the robotic mass, was the all-too-well-known, egg-shaped doctor sitting in his floating, bowl-like machine. Said machine was overflowing with the same white paper bags the robots surrounding it were carrying, just waiting for someone to run by fast enough to cause a strong wind that would blow the bags and their contents out and all over the street.

A smirk etched itself on the blue hedgehog's face. _This is gonna be__** sweet**__._

* * *

__**A/N: That was so stupid. XD Aw well, I had fun writing it. Hopefully it wasn't _too_ sucky, though. Anyways, I don't own Sonic or the McDonald's logo/slogan, and never will.**


End file.
